Wonderful World of MC

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The Worry List…

I’m tired, twisted, barely breathing, buried in the dark
Don’t be concerned, it’s just the power of a breaking heart.
How good am I hiding it?
Look, I’ve got some bad intentions.
Guilty as fucking charged.
Still standing stable, more than able ’cause I know who you are.
I know the birthdays, anniversaries, all the first days I missed.
I regret them all.
But now I know this:

I know that God exists.
I held her in my arms.
I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong.
Take me off your worry list.
It’ll be better that way.
I’m really fine and there’s nothing we haven’t talked about.
So, take me off your worry list I said, “Throw it away.”
This is what my life is about.
I might have been gone but I never walked out.

I’ve taken a thousand red eyes to change your point of view.
What kind of man would take the trust you break and still follow through?
‘Cause I’m standin’ right here.
And you may not show up.
This same gate 14 where, honestly, I’m just sick of calling your bluff.
And it’s just embarrassing, that I nearly threw up
And I’m trying hard to change the things I always screw up.
And at the top of my list, this visitation’s no relationship.
But I gotta make the best of it.
‘Cause I know – 

I know that God exists.
I held her in my arms.
I never knew I was able to ever feel this strong.
Take me off your worry list.
It’ll be better that way.
And I’m doin’ fine and I’ve got plenty of friends around.
Take me off your worry list.
Just throw it away.
Well, it’s time to stand up on my own for her.
‘Cause I’m packing it up, and I’m comin’ today.

I couldn’t wait to finally pick my family up. 
Everything is quiet and covered in snow.
There’s something wrong here… 
Nobody’s at home.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Now, I’m back in the driver’s seat.
Heading back home.
Yeah, back to Texas on my own.

Take me off your worry list.
It’ll be better that way.
And I’m doin’ fine and I’ve got plenty of friends around.
Take me off your worry list.
Just throw it away.
Yeah, it’s time to stand up on my own for her.
I’m packing it up, and I’m comin’ today.
This is what my story’s about. 
I might have been gone but I never walked out.
I’m packin’ it up, and I’m comin’ today.

This is what your story’s about.
My pretty little girl, can you figure it out?
If it helps to know so there is no doubt, 
Just listen to the stories.
Not everything is glorious.
Some hurt, some love, some shout.
I fought the world and I lost that bout.
And you are what my album’s about.
I might have been gone, but I never walked out.

X…they know you never walked out.


Coming Into Light…

I’ve had a break down this week. The LDS church that I grew up in has been on my mind the past few weeks, and I have seriously thought about going back. My whole inner self was fighting at each side of the argument inside me, and it was tearing me apart. I called my Mom and told her I was thinking about going back, then D got home and we talked about it together. It was so good to talk to D, he is a fantastic sounding board for me. I found that it wasn’t church/religion I’m missing inside of myself- it was MYSELF. I feel I’m lacking an identity outside of Mommy. I don’t have something that is mine where I’m Mandi- everything is Mom/ D’s fiancee. 

So that was reason 1 for reaching out to church again. I felt that if I went back I’d have a place where I could do things and be called Mandi- not Mommy. 


Then digging deeper, I found reason 2. I have NO relationship with my sisters anymore. I try to call or text them and they never respond to me. It hurts me so deeply, we used to all be close and get together for lunches and scrapbooking, now we just don’t even talk to each other. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I thought if I went back to church that at least one of my sisters would be so happy that she’d welcome me back into her life with open arms. It hurts more to think her love is conditional- hurts more than no contact. 

I love my 3 big sisters, nothing will change that. I will be there for them when they need me, but I’m not going to change who I am so they’ll accept me. Not happening.


Until the next post~ MC

Why Stay Silent?

Why is it that non-believers (atheists & agnostics alike) feel that we have to watch what we say for fear of offending believers? Believers do not seem the LEAST bit worried about offending us. I always refrain from saying anything about my point of view when I am with my family for fear of upsetting someone and then causing discord in the family, but no one bats an eyelash for my feelings. My sister thinks it’s cute to ask my son to pray, and I shrug it off- but if I told her kids NOT to pray…we’d have an issue. I do not understand this, why is your belief more important than my non-belief? Your feelings more important than mine? It’s a ridiculous double standard. I have NO problem if people want to believe, that is their own choice- as is my right and choice to not. My issue is when they try to make the LAWS of the country/world reflect their belief and to hell with anyone who feels differently.


Am I alone in this?? Are there any other non-believers out there reading? I feel so isolated.



Why Fund Hate?

I get so angry when I read headlines online about businesses like Chik-Fil-A supporting Anti gay rights groups. Why is this so widely supported as ok? Would anyone go to a place where they supported the KKK? Or groups that try to take away women’s rights? We are again in the middle of a Civil Rights Movement, are we really going to sit idly by while citizens of the USA are being denied the same rights and freedoms that the straight community enjoy? How is it even a question if the LGBT community should have the same rights as a straight person? They are HUMAN BEINGS! Felons have these rights, people who rape, maim, steal, cheat etc have the right to marry someone, how can a loving LGBT relationship be denied it? 


Love is love. I frankly, I think this world could use a HELL of a lot more of it.

Emotionally Satiating…


In my studies on Religion and Atheism I have seen and heard a lot. Especially from people in my life who are NOT Atheists. One particular person in my family says that Atheism is “the easy way out”. I have to wholeheartedly disagree, it’s definitely hard to realize we are alone, there is nothing after this life, and that there is no “after life justice” for people that commit atrocities in this life and get away with it. Atheism isn’t comfortable, it isn’t emotionally satiating. Religion, that,  my friends is emotional satiation at it’s best.

Religion perpetuates the ideas that you don’t have to miss the people who die, because you will see them again. Someone wronged you and didn’t pay for it? No worries, they’ll “get theirs” in the after life. Are you scared of dying? Don’t be, there’s a better life waiting for you after this one!

To me, this makes no sense. NO ONE has the answer for what happens after we die, no one. You may believe you do, but you do not have absolute knowledge of it. You have absolute knowledge that you are here now, so why not live your life to the fullest? Experience everything you can, make mistakes, be a good person – not because of a threat of suffering after death, but because you feel you should be good to your fellow human beings. I don’t believe in accepting things without facts, I seek knowledge and truth, not emotionally satisfying responses with no basis in reality.

I believe in making this ONE life, the best it can possibly be, learning and experiencing all I can. That is my desire.


Until next time dolls- M


“Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves – or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.”- Ayn Rand

Where I finally say what I want

I have decided that I am no longer going to hide and shy away from things I believe in, or want to say because I might offend someone. If you don’t like the content of my blog, there is an X button at the top of your browser, click it and then you don’t have to see or read it anymore. I was raised in an LDS family. My parents converted in the late 1970’s when my 2 oldest sisters (R & N) were around 6 and 4. Then when my other older sister  (S) and I were born into it sometime later in the early/mid 1980’s. My parents are amazing people, strong and devoted to their faith- I love them for everything they are. At this point in time I have only 1 sister (S) who remains an active member of the church. N is bouncing back and forth with her decision to be in or out. I am the only one who is completely out (meaning, I had my name removed from church records). I don’t hate religious people, I respect everyones right to live their life their own way. I choose this way because this has made me the happiest.

I have always had very different views on things than my family. My mom swears it was because I TRIED to be different, or TRIED so hard to go my own way- it wasn’t. My brain just worked differently than hers. I have always been skeptical about religion. I remember clearly asking my mom one night as she told me to say my prayers “How do I know it’s God talking to me, and not just my brain telling me what I want.” she told me “If it’s good it’s from God, if it’s not it’s from Satan.” I still find myself dissatisfied with that answer. I have always been a very logical person, and no one has been able to “sell” God to me yet. There are times when I want to believe that there is something out there…but I don’t know why I do. I’m not afraid of dying, I don’t care if we just end, Death isn’t some huge tragedy for me that I’ll never overcome because I don’t believe in God. I think sometimes it’s just that part of me that sat through 18 years of church that is still trying so hard to believe for acceptance and proving that I am “good”.

It took until now, 25 years old, mother of 2, going through the most screwed up divorce (trust me life is a fucking soap opera right now…but more on that in another blog) to look at myself and fully go “Fuck that, I’m a good person without religion, I don’t have to pretend to be ANYTHING for ANYONE…I can just be me and that is GOOD.”

I’ve been watching Laci Green’s YouTube channel, she, like me is an ex mormon. She holds a lot of the same feelings I do. Same Sex Marriage is OK! There is no reason to fear it, two men or two women marrying doesn’t change what you and your husband have. In speaking with some people on this I’ve heard arguments like “I don’t care if they want to be together, I just don’t think they should be able to marry.” or “I just don’t want them changing the definition of marriage, because who knows some guy will try to marry his dog”.  WHO CARES? If a dude wants to marry his dog- LET HIM. How is the divorce rate not making you worry about marriage not being taken seriously? Who cares if anyone else takes it seriously, marries their dog, marries another man/woman! It’s not your business. You take care of yourself and no one else.

Personally, I’m freaking confused as to how same sex marriage is even a QUESTION. Are they human beings? YES! Then how the fuck do we even have a right to question if they have the right to marry the person they love? UGH. Heated topic for me.  But to the main point, I have decided I would like to take a women’s studies course! I’m gonna look for something online or that I can take as a night class or something.

❤ M

and definitely check out Laci’s YouTube! http://www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen